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Calling the Show 133
I couldn t believe we were talking about this. But Jesse hadn t looked at me funny
yet. Or laughed. He was staring at me really intensely, the way he did sometimes, like
he was trying to figure something out.
I asked the question that was weighing on me.  Do you think it s weird for me to
want it when I got whipped growing up?
His eyebrows went up.
Definitely freaking him out. Shut the conversation down, Simeck.
 Did you get anything out of it then?
 Did I get anything out of it? You mean, like, did it turn me on?
 Yeah.
 Jesus, no. I m not that fucked up.
 I don t think it would mean you were if you did. But what I m saying is, the two
things don t really have anything to do with each other. Right? You like getting
spanked now because it s fun and it s hot or whatever, and because you want it. It s not
something being done against your will to hurt you.
My throat was suddenly tight. I wished we could just drop the whole
conversation.  Yeah.
 So I would say don t worry about it.
I hugged him. He held me for a while, which was impressive, because I could feel
how hard he was. If I d been him, I d have been trying to hurry the cuddly stuff along.
I finally let go and undressed him. We fucked with me on top. He was usually
way quieter than me during sex, but tonight he made sounds I hadn t heard before.
What if I want it to hurt? I wondered when it was over and he was dozing. What if I
want to pretend it s against my will?
Sleeping Jesse didn t have any answers. Just a loud snore.
I put my hand in his dark hair and tried to sleep too.
134 J.A. Rock
* * * *
The next night, Kara Lee Cook s bodice ripped a few minutes before she went on
stage.
 Staple her, Jesse said over the headset.  Staple her into that dress and get her
out onstage.
I retrieved the stapler from the SM kit. One of the craziest things about being ASM
was having access to Jesse s kit. Since I was the one down in the fray, so to speak, the kit
stayed backstage with me, and I was the one in charge of administering pickle juice and
sugar pills, duct taping set pieces, and stapling costumes.
I stapled Kara in.
 Looks good, Jesse said a few minutes later, when Kara was onstage.  Can t even
tell. Good work, Simulator.
I blushed like a fiend.
I skipped the cast party the following night to write a paper.
Jesse skipped too. I think he had to go home and freak out about his Sun Glass
interview, which was only two weeks away. Some chick named Trisky was gonna come
see the show and interview Jesse after. I wasn t sure what Jesse was worried about,
exactly, other than the possibility of Trisky finding out he was mortal rather than a god.
Tartuffe was a kick-ass show, Jesse s resume was so long I d fallen asleep reading it the
other night, and anyone who talked to him for two minutes could see how much he
loved theater. SGRT would have to be a bunch of idiots not to hire him.
He d gotten a little pissy with me earlier in the evening for not taking his concerns
about the interview seriously. I d gotten a little pissy with him for not realizing it was
hardly my fault if I wasn t exactly jumping up and down over the prospect of him
disappearing to New Hampshire for a year.
I d dated a few guys. I d slept with a lot of guys. What I felt for Jesse went beyond
 You re a good fuck. It went beyond  I hate being alone at night. It went beyond  I
Calling the Show 135
like holding your hand at the movies. It wasn t the facsimile of security I d convinced
myself I had with other guys.
Jesse Ferelit felt like a grown-up.
And he made me feel like one too.
I took a break partway through my paper and searched the online campus
directory for Patrick the dancer. It was tough without his last name, so I Googled the
dance department and found some article about a performance he was in. Patrick
Macoux. I searched the directory and got his e-mail address.
Dear Patrick,
This is Simeck Whedon. We met at the Findlay Theater in November. I d like to talk to
you. Can we meet?
Thank you,
Simeck
I left it ambiguous. Didn t mention Martha.
I was about to resume work on my paper when my phone buzzed.
My dad.
Fuck, fuck, and I said again fuck.
I hit Ignore.
My dad texted: Call your mother. Maybe she ll answer for you.
I hadn t gone home over break. I d talked to my sister, Niamh, a few times. She
and her husband had a house not too far from my parents. She said Mom was a mess
either drunk or AWOL every time Niamh went over to visit. I felt guilty for not being
more involved, but my life was going really well right now. I didn t need this.
My phone buzzed again a minute later. This time it was Jesse.  Hey, I said.
 I m freaking out.
 Big surprise.
 How s the paper?
136 J.A. Rock
 Crap.
 Oh.
 You want company? I asked.
 If you re& I mean, if you re not& 
 I ll come over.
We ended up watching Waiting for Guffman with our heads resting against each
other, his hand in mine. It wasn t a totally comfortable position, but I didn t dare move.
I wanted him to stay close.
 Why do you think so many gay people end up in theater? I asked when the
movie ended.
 Because it s a safe house. And people in theater appreciate men who can hit high
E s.
I laughed.  It does feel like a safe house, I said.
 My mom always says how at home she feels when she comes to see shows.
Theater gives back whatever you give it. If you re open-minded, it welcomes you.
 My mom took me to see And the World Goes Round when I was ten. We didn t go
to any plays after that. Well, I mean, I went to my high school s shows. I think she
thinks that show s what turned me gay. My heart whacked the inside of my chest. I
knew what kind of conversation I was inviting, and I didn t know if I was ready for it.
But I was confused about the way my family was behaving right now, and I kind of
wanted to talk to someone about it.
 Is your mom not cool with you?
 She freaked when I came out.
 In this day and age? Hasn t she seen Glee? That s the hip new parental reaction to
having a gay theater kid.
I tried to smile.  I doubt she s seen Glee. She it s weird. She s not worried about
her own reputation or why would she drink and go do idiotic things and cheat on my
Calling the Show 137
dad? Everyone in her neighborhood knows. But she, like, worries about my sister and
me and whether or not we re embarrassing her.
 So the gay thing s more embarrassing than her being a drunk?
 Yeah.
 Well, don t listen to her.
 I don t. Except& one thing she used to say was that my sister looks up to me. And
that I was, like, a bad example to Niamh.
My voice broke. I felt like an idiot. Was I really going to get all weepy on Jesse s
shoulder?
 How old s Niamh?
 Nineteen. She was fifteen when I came out.
 You don t really believe you were a bad example to her, right?
 Not for being gay, no. But just I don t know. I was really moody and depressed.
And worse after I came out. My mom and I basically stopped talking. I feel like Niamh
worried about our family a lot. And I didn t& help.
 Who isn t moody and depressed when they re a teenager?
I shook my head.  I wish she hadn t been there when I told my mom.
 Because of what your mom said?
 She broke my toe. I gave a laugh that sounded too loud, even to me.
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