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Fireworks exploded above her, but she kept saying his name.
And then something must have clicked in his head because his eyes widened suddenly. And she
knew he d finally seen her.
Horror flooded through his face.  No, he whispered.  Oh fuck no. The knife fell away, dropping
to the ground as he stumbled back. Then he gave an anguished groan and covered his face with his
hands.
Her heart twisted at the sound. Something was very, very wrong.
Luc hadn t been in Auckland. He d been somewhere else, seeing something else. And she didn t
know where or why, but she was going to find out.
Ignoring the sting of the cut on her throat and the fear echoing through her, Eleanor propelled
herself away from the building. Crossing the distance between them, she took his wrists in a strong
grip and pulled them away from his face.
 Something happened to you in Africa, didn t it? Because she was now pretty sure of that.  Tell
me.
His eyes were black holes, sucking in light. The pain in them depthless.  You don t want to know.
His voice was hoarse, ragged. He shook her hand away, reaching to touch the line of blood now
drying on her skin.  Fuck, I only wanted to protect you, but& I hurt you.
Eleanor gripped his wrist. Held it.  I do want to know. You pushed me up against a building and
held a knife to my throat. Don t you think I deserve to know why? It was brutal, but she had the sense
that if she wanted to get anything out of him at all she needed to be brutal.
Luc stared at her for a long moment and the anguish in his expression made her chest hurt far worse
than any stupid knife prick.  I never wanted this to happen. I tried& fuck&  Abruptly he turned,
taking a few steps away from her as if he wanted to put distance between them.  After my parents
were killed, I was recruited into one of the antigovernment militias, headed by an ex-general, Charles
Inza. They needed fighters and they took everyone. They took me.
 But&  she couldn t quite get her head around it,  & you were a kid.
 I was twelve. They took a few younger than me too. His voice sounded flat, lifeless.  Kids make
good soldiers. They re obedient. You don t need to pay them. And you can mold them into whomever
you want them to be. He paused.  The first six months were the worst. They gave you a week s
worth of training, put a gun in your hand and then told you to kill people. And if you didn t, you were
shot. If you protested, you were shot. If you cried, you were shot. The only way to survive was to do
what they told you to.
Shock and grief rose in her throat, choking her. The cold sound of his voice& Jesus. He was
detailing things no child should ever have to go through.  And you had to&  Her voice failed and she
couldn t make herself say it.
 Kill people? Yes. I was lucky in that most of the villages around the city had already been
emptied out, so there were no civilians left to kill. Only government soldiers. He lifted his hand, the
fabric cuff around it sliding down his forearm.  You wanted to know what this was? It s a reminder. I
threw up after my first kill, where no one could see because they would have shot me for being weak.
And after that I swore I would remember every single person. Remember every single face. I didn t
want to become like Inza, like the rest of the militia, because, Christ, they weren t even human
anymore. But& I had to shoot so many. His voice had lost the cold edge, becoming rough.  It hurt, it
all hurt and I had to protect myself. So I learned not to feel. But I didn t want to forget either, so I took
the material from their clothes and tied it around my wrist so I wouldn t. So I could keep them with
me.
The shock was settling into her bones, making her shiver and she couldn t stop herself from looking
at that cuff around his wrist. At all the fabric strands. So many strands&
 I didn t want to be one of them, Eleanor. I didn t want to be a monster like they were, Luc said
softly and turned, the quiet agony on his face bringing tears to her eyes.  But I am, aren t I? I am.
Something shattered in her heart, cutting her to pieces, and she couldn t speak because of the pain
she felt for him. For what had been done to him.
 No, she said hoarsely,  of course you re not 
 Yes I am. His voice was certain.  If I weren t, I would never have hurt you.
 Luc&  She took a step toward him, not knowing what else to do other than touch him.
But he held up a hand, warding her off.  No. Don t& don t come near me. It s not safe. I m not
safe.
 You can t believe that 
 No. The look in his eyes stopped her in her tracks.  I can t do this, Eleanor. I m sorry, but I
can t.
 What do you mean  this ?
 You. Me. It can t happen.
She didn t think it was possible to hurt any more than she was already, but apparently it was
perfectly possible.  Honey, she said softly,  we need to talk about this.
 What s there to talk about? That cold, dead look had come back into his face.  I m a killer,
Eleanor. A killer who s very good at pretending not to be one.
 That s not who you are, Luc. You were made to be one. There s a difference!
He said nothing for a long moment, looking at her.  We lost lots of units in a big push. Inza needed
more men and he had this refugee camp a few days away under surveillance. He wanted us to go in,
kill everyone in it but the boys we could take for the army. There were women there, smaller
children, babies&  The look in his eyes was terrible.  I was one of his lieutenants. He wanted me to
lead the mission. And I said yes.
Horror stole her breath.  You didn t, Luc. He couldn t have; she wouldn t believe it.
 They weren t people to me anymore. They weren t even kids. They d become targets. And that s
how I thought of them. Targets to hit, obstacles to get rid of. And I felt nothing at the thought of killing
them. His voice became a whisper.  I felt fucking nothing.
 Luc 
 I don t even know what it was that made me think  I can t do this . Some survival instinct maybe.
But after planning that mission, I knew I had to get out. I had to leave, otherwise I d& truly become
one of them. So I took some of my squad and escaped during an ambush that night. We walked for
days, hiding from the militia patrols sent to look for us. Eventually we ran into some UN troops and
they rescued us. Got UNICEF involved and shipped us to Ghana. I thought& I thought I d escaped.
But&  he turned away abruptly,  & I haven t& Shit, I m still there.
She didn t know what to say, not when there was so much despair in his voice. Not when words
meant nothing at all.  Luc, she whispered.
More fireworks went off, exploding against the black velvet of the sky. And she saw him flinch.
 Luc, please& 
But he didn t say anything, only began to walk away. Not toward the festival but in the other
direction. Slowly at first. Then faster.
Her heart tightened.  Lucien. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]