[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
Think carefully. Once we agree, there is no backing out.
Her tone was grave. I could tell, from the language, either
she had planned very carefully what she was going to say, or
else she had said it (perhaps many times!) before. You will be
my slave twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, till the
109 / LEASH
termination of the contract, which shall be Labor Day at mid-
night.
A week before the Current returns
Yes. This will give you to time to repair whatever wounds
physical or psychic you may have. And do not mistake, you
will have them.
The pain doesn t bother me. But I don t want my body per-
manently altered in any way. No piercing or tattooing. No putting
dyes in cuts. And what we do mustn t interfere with my personal
or professional life in any way.
The pain will bother you. I d be failing in my duty to you if it
did not. And what we do may permanently alter you, and inter-
fere with your life in ways you cannot imagine, even if it s not
always visible to the naked eye.
That s okay. I just meant
Don t say okay so casually. I want you to really think about
it one last time, before you can no longer change your mind. I
want the full consciousness of what you re doing the shame
and the degradation that you re submitting yourself to, the pain
of what you will undergo, the humiliations that you will experi-
ence, the patheticness of your being that could want to do
something like this to be fully apparent to you now, so that you
can never pretend not to me, of course, because I m not buy-
ing but to yourself and to whomever you may now or someday
choose to confide in, that you did not in full consciousness and
possession of your mental faculties, with unimpaired ability to
calculate consequence and risk, arrive at your decision?
I did.
Without undue external pressure or influence of any sort?
No
110 / JANE DELYNN
Including drugs of any sort, whether administered by me or
not
No
Or alcohol
Of course not.
Nor temporary physical passion inspired by my proximity?
No.
In light of all this, what is your reasoned and dispassionate
decision?
Like I said, I agree to the contract.
In other words, you will temporarily be my slave, doing
whatever I ask you to do, not doing those things I tell you not to
do, participating in whatever sexual or other acts as I see fit,
obeying me happily in all particulars, whether in my presence or
not, until the time
What do you mean, in your presence or not ?
I mean that a slave is a slave, whether her owner is physi-
cally present or not. It is a state of mind, a mode of being, in
which the physical is merely an objective correlative of the inter-
nal reality. On my part, in return for your surrender and trust, I
promise not to seriously injure or kill you or cause permanent
bodily disfiguration or harm, to cease all acts immediately should
you lose consciousness, to get you immediate medical attention
should such ever be necessary, and if at some point I feel that
you are physically or psychically unable to continue this contract,
I will terminate it. But you must understand, I ll be the one to
decide if that point is reached, not you.
She paused. The breeze from the open window chilled my
sweat. I breathed deeply, with my mouth open, for I was not
getting enough oxygen.
111 / LEASH
I m nervous, I said. I coughed, not because I really needed
to clear my throat, but because the sound reassured me I existed.
Of course. She wiped the hair from my eyes, the gesture
that more than anything comforts me. I could feel her fingers
around my eyes, feeling the wet. It s an incredibly big step
you re making. Surely the biggest of your life.
Although I told myself it was corny, I felt scared. Have you
really done this before? I asked.
Have you done this before? she replied.
We were silent. There are no testimonials here. You are
entering a world in which it is just you and me. I could have
participated in a hundred relationships just like this, and all of
them might have ended in...death. I could have had a hundred
relationships like this, all of which were incredibly exciting and...
life-affirming. But no matter what has or has not happened in
the past, how could that guarantee that nothing disastrous might
not happen between you and me? There are no guarantees in
life, Chris. I know you re smarter than that.
As she spoke, I realized I had never done anything that took
real courage. The things I had done that looked like they had
been brave had been done offhandedly, without thinking, often
with a willed refusal to think. Because I was a writer and spent
much time thinking, I had assumed that in some sense I was a
philosopher a person who is conscious of the implications of
her words and actions but in the moments of my life that had
counted I had been a zombie.
My brain was saying: This is something you have always
wanted. This is something you have always been afraid of. If you
do not do this now, you will never do it. The thought of doing
something courageous, in total consciousness of my fear of it,
112 / JANE DELYNN
sent a surge of adrenaline through me.
I have a collar for you to wear. It s the symbol of our agree-
ment, and is emblematic of your absolute submission to me, the
fact that you agree to do whatever I want you to do, without
refusal or complaint, within the limits of our contract. You ll wear
it for the length of our contract not just when you re here, but
all the time, night and day, in your house or outside. When the
contract is over you ll have to give it back. It has a little lock only
I have the key to. Whenever you look in the mirror, you ll remem-
ber who it is that owns you. Once I put this on it will be too late
to back out.
She lay the collar upon my skin. It was metal, cool and
heavy, definitive and cold. I yearned to be wearing it, to have a
symbol proclaiming who and what I was to all the world.
Please put it on me, I said.
I bowed my head, as if I were going to be sacrificed. The
metal was more supple than I would have thought, for it draped
itself around the curves of my neck as she drew it tight, slightly
squeezing my Adam s Apple. I started to cough but couldn t. I
told myself to be calm and breathe through my nose. Meanwhile
she pulled it even tighter. She s going to kill me, I thought. I
deserve it. I did not see stars, but the screen-saver pattern of
my Windows program. I did not try to resist; perhaps I did not
care.
She loosened the collar. Then I heard a little click. Very
good, I heard as if distantly.
[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]